Ne-Ner Ne-Ner Ne-Ner

So I just looked at my list of past posts and saw that no one had even viewed my blog/page. And it made me so relieved! And then I really wanted to post that it made me happy to know that no one else was reading my posts. And how silly is that?! But guess what - I'm doing it and I have a big smile on my face about it. It's stressful to think other people might be reading my blog, and then again I realize I should just make this thing private or not publish my posts that I don't want people to read. But there's some irrational part of me that believes hundreds of years from now, or maybe next year I'll loose my password and the only way to access these posts will be to go to the URL or maybe when we're all riding in floating cars and wearing tight jumpsuits without zippers some family historian studying her ancestry will only be able to retrieve the published posts of her great-great grandmother. I suppose there must be some way of backing up these posts into something other than a cloud or on my computer. Hopefully I'll do it soon - but probably not, so this will have to do for now.

Another Assortment of Thoughts

I've only started this entry with the thought that I've been impressed to record our lives and my thoughts more thoroughly. As John and I discussed our need to journal more frequently I admitted that I disliked rereading old entries and feeling (so thoroughly) embarrassed - for a multitude of reasons. From imperfect logic to over-emotional reactions to any other possible human failure of personality, logic, or grammar - I could find in one of my journal/blogging entries. I realize some mistakes could be managed with re-reading my entries and fixing logical or grammatical errors, but I really don't have the time and definitely don't care to devote my patience to double-checking my journal entries. Isn't there a quote, anecdotal story, or extra reserve of maturity somewhere that I could use to encourage me into consistent and decent journaling habits?

Irregardless, I do like the idea of having a record and I also have enjoyed reading some older entries - especially of memories and experiences forgotten. Hopefully I will discern the better memories to record.

At the moment there are two things that take up quite a bit of head space. The first is that I'm pregnant - so (my brain's) working capacity is currently at 35% and additional repairs and time are required to bring her into working order to reach warp speed. The rest is divided between family, the future, callings, how to clean when I don't want to clean, and whether or not to buy our current home. So all are good things, but can also be very stressful things.

I suppose writing about our motivations to buy our current home isn't the most modest topic to write on. But it does concern me and I probably won't calm down about it until we've come to a decision. Our main motivation is to save money, in building equity and in our monthly payment. However this home, although it works well now, will not fit our growing family comfortably into the future. I realize that many buy a starter home and then sell and purchase again.  And yet, there are two things that weigh on my mind, and I'm sure they are unnecessary. The first is that if we continue to rent and save money over the course of the next few years we may have enough to buy the type of home we could grow old in - without the burden of another mortgage or a place to sell. My second thought has been that we may be in this home the rest of our lives. Which truly would not be a horrible thing - it just isn't ideal. And I feel horrible for thinking that. I feel as if wanting more is saying I'm not grateful for what we have been given. I suppose I should reassess to see if these desires for more overwhelm my feelings of gratitude for the place that we may come to have. Another concern of mine is how close (and loud) the freeway is to our home. Well, in reality I have a whole list of what I don't like about our place and I have concerns that the investment of remodeling will exceed the market value of the home (I wouldn't care about the cost of remodeling if it were to be our permanent house). And some things, like the freeway, just can't be fixed with remodeling. If there are that many things I don't like about it, is it worth buying just to save money for another home?

Aside from all those disagreeable thoughts are the thoughts of another lovely baby coming to join our home and family. I felt slightly inclined to hope for a boy as it would be nice to have another boy closer in age to Oliver and for somewhat practical reasons like using the boy clothing before I don't like it because it's out of fashion (yes, I realize this is silly and superficial). And yet when I saw a baby girl the other day I couldn't help but remember how much I love having a girl too and how much fun it would be to have another. So as for now I guess I don't have any inclinations towards one gender for this baby. And believe it or not, in one month this pregnancy will be half over! Sometimes it's unbelievable how fast time goes. Of course, we've been preoccupied with many things, from being sick for about a month, John's new calling as a second counselor in the YSA branch, and my fixation on how much I hate winter in Illinois and how I truly didn't believe Spring would ever come! And honestly, I still am in disbelief. Whenever I walk outside and feel a slight chill on the air I'm convinced it'll turn into a -30 windchill by morning. It makes me laugh to realize that deep down inside there is a feeling of resentment towards Illinois for being so ugly and uninviting during the Winter - and especially for it lasting much much much too long. I really tried to look for things to appreciate, but had a really hard time about it. I suppose I'll have to try harder next season. And then I think of Gradma Allen's famous complaint about being taken (and left) in that ugly, dry, red dirt. And the more she said it the more I realized the beauty of the Uintah basin. I truly hope I can come to love the Illinois landscape just as I have the Uintah red dirt. I just hope it doesn't require me to live a lifetime here.

Kiddo Update

Kiddo Update

I really should do these more often as right now I'm so overwhelmed with thoughts that I'm having difficulty picking just a few out to record.

OLIVER

-  Let's see. Oliver talks A. LOT. But that's okay because we love him. He'll fill two hours easily with questions and very difficult follow-up questions.

- has made a stride in confidence and bravery. The other day we took his pedal-less bike to the chapel for him to practice riding. In other instances he has refused to even pick up the bike. However this time he not only picked up the bike he sat and walked the bike while standing, very slowly of course. And in true Oliver style he was only willing to make an attempt when I allowed him personal space and stopped my encouragement (unfortunately somewhat exasperated at some points). We were both very excited and proud of his improvement and courage.

- now understands the concept of placing sounds together to read. Unfortunately we haven't been as consistent in our reading as we used to be, but luckily it is something he still really enjoys!

- is fascinated with the ocean, sharks, fish, penguins, polar bears, . . . if it's anywhere near the water he'll find an interest in it. He enjoys watching a show called Octonauts that highlight specific creatures of the sea.

- dislikes wearing gloves. It's pretty emotional for him. And conflicting as he really likes to throw snowballs.

- still loves superheros and has many questions about bad guys and good guys. We have made progress and now understand that people are people and each can make either good decisions or bad decisions. Superheros are now more than just "boomers" and kickers. They are stoppers of bad choices and helpers of good. 

- fascinated with kisses. Breakdown of daily kisses goes as follows: 40% sweet innocent little boy lovin'; 20% given in conjunction with an apology; 20% done to spite his sister (occasionally 40%); 10% response to Mommy, Daddy, and Sister kisses; 10% practicing for his future prince charming roll (no more Sleeping Beauty for you sir!). 

- looks forward to his dance class and has figured out a good spin. At home he'll spend time working out his head stands, jumps, and a combination of spins and crawls around on the floor. Hopefully Chambana has a good break class 'cause this kids is a natural! Seriously.


CECILY

- Cecily is speaking well and is making short phrases. Today's new phrase was "want french fry". And who doesn't like Arby's curly fries? Don't answer that, it'd only be really sad.

- enjoys watching her brother take his dance class and just today attempted her first retiré. She has some pretty good moves of her own. Her signature move is the one shoulder isolation moving up and down. Which is done very specifically with her head and body turned just slightly to the side. Watch out world, this girl has some style!

- has a favorite hello kitty night light, that if it shuts off will tell us first thing . . . morning or night.

- after a late night out we found that Cecily is a giddy girl when tired. But boy does she love bedtime; cross your fingers for me that it never changes.

- enjoys "row, row, row your boat".

- loves to color and glue things.

- is still my little lap girl/cuddle bug. But she's starting to branch out and is enjoying the attention of others, in small doses. 

- while driving I turned around to see her with lips puckered, nose cinched, and head bobbing to the music. Pretty sure she didn't learn heavy metal head banging from us, but boy was it the cutest thing ever!

- has such a fun little personality emerging. John is convinced she'll be our little daredevil. Hopefully her innate desire for sleep will temper such inclinations, slightly anyways.

Kiddo Update and Merry Christmas!

Oliver just had his 3rd birthday, celebrating in style with some friends and cake. He has grown out of his toddler phase and appears to be turning into a real life little boy.  Taking in the world of superheros, construction trucks, knights and dragons, soldiers, and especially fishing (in pretend so far) are occupying tasks for Oliver. Time spent daydreaming has increased to an all time high as well as his interest in having friends.

Outgoing and rarely shy, Oliver appears to be taking a different and very loud social approach compared to that of his parents. In his spare time he has perfected a look for future reference entitled "bad guy" (reference photo 1), reminiscent of Zoolander's Magnum. And spends his other spare time as a jack-in-the-box ready to surprise any and all at any turn.

Unfortunately he has developed a condition found often in young children, diagnosed as "ignoring" by his astutely observant attending parents. There have been complications of "forgetfulness" and experts have had difficulty agreeing on one treatment plan for such an intricate diagnosis. Although there is no one antidote, we are hopeful that with time and patience he will be cured.

Oliver now hones his temperament for imagination and musical timing in a creative dance class. We do have hope that these lessons in coordination will reverse the effects of clumsiness that he has inherited from his Mother which has been confirmed on multiple occasions when seen falling from a static and standing position without any aid, except for all of gravity of course.

So many memorable moments are forgotten and so I sigh at my short updates of the kiddos. Although some is better than none, I hope I look back and find it sufficient.

If Oliver is our jabberbox, then Cecily is his parrot.  However, her skills have extended past mimicry into the land of insight. Dad has now become synonymous with "fruit snack" (pronounced with a long "a" found most common on Staten Island).  Her new words are so frequent, from 1-3 a day that it's difficult to recall all that she has learned in one short post.  She enjoys yelling "surprise" along with Oliver, will "Ooooo" and "Ahhhh" over the "lights" decorated on homes for Christmas, and will repeat "Merry Christmas" along with the family. 

She still loves bedtime and will do her best to communicate when she is ready. From undressing herself to pointing to the stairs to saying "bath-time". As she falls asleep she has enjoys playing with her eyelashes.  Stroking them with either her thumb or pointer finger as she dozes off to sleep.  Occasionally I will also receive an eyelash brush, akin to that of an eye poke.

Just this weekend her walking has become more frequent. Although she has been walking for a while and has the coordination necessary, it is just recently that she has felt confident to continue without support.  With much praise given by all, especially Oliver, we have found her walking more regularly by the end of the weekend. Clutching her fists tightly up in the air, and with elbows lifted she stiffly shifts her weight from one foot to the other - awaiting a fall but being pleasantly surprised by her inborn abilities. We love to see her take excitement in her own progression.

Although she is very much still a Mamma's girl we have found that to obtain her decent graces (good would be taking a little far) one must acquire and present a multitude of fruit snacks and candy canes.  Which she will then swallow in large quantities and then take possession of your electronic device, most commonly a smart phone.  Although this method has only been confirmed in one case for the space of one hour and a half, we highly suspect that our efforts to repeat this scenario will be met with success - hopefully . . . very hopefully. Especially since date nights only occur three nights a year given our little one's temperament.

Although she is typically undesirous of outside affection we are happy to be the center of her affection. Cause does this girl love to cuddle or what! Sooo many cuddles does this little bug love that this little bug can never love enough (please excuse my sad and sappy attempt at rhyming).  She'll lay her head right under your chin and the span of her outstretched arms just so happens to fit perfectly the width of Mommy. So really, she was made to cuddle. Of course John and I know that our hugging time is limited with Oliver and Cecily before it becomes somewhat embarrassing (reference photo 2).

We are loving the family life! It is wonderfully simple and peaceful - in the best way possible. We are grateful for the family and friends that we have and often contemplate their generosity and love. And we especially hope that we can pay forward a portion of all the many blessings we have received. As the Christmas season allows for a time to reflect on these people, it also reminds me most obviously of my Savior.  Of His comfort, His peace, and of His desire to give us all that He hath. I love my Savior! I often marvel at the impact He has had on so many and wonder how it is so. And I know that the good that occurs happens because of those that choose to follow His example. I see it so often that I cannot deny it. Even more so - I feel it, in my interactions with others. And I most definitely feel it in my interaction with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. He truly is the gift and I hope for all to one day feel of His peace.

Photo 1

Oliver's "Bad Guy" face

 

Photo 2

Nascent Embarrassment, series 1 . . . of many more to come.

Photo 3

Missy snuggles was unfortunately sick.

 

Photo 4

"Nascent Sassy-pants", hopefully to not be continued. 

 

Kiddo Update

Cecily
- 63% for weight, 96% for height, 94% for head size.
- Loves to say "hi". She's comfortable saying "hi" to plenty of people but cries at the moment anyone looks as if they intended to hold her.
- Is not one to get into a screaming match with (Oliver unintentionally got into one with her today). She will tear you (and your eardrums) apart. Side note: I'm not sure why are children are so loud, John and I are typically quiet talkers and aren't really yellers.
- Turns out to be quite competitive (John and I are not). I accidentally got into a breathing contest today. She escalated her breathing rhythm at lightening pace, just as she does her screaming.
- Enjoys having the house to herself (well I was with her of course).  She's very content to crawl around the house and play independently.


Oliver
- Will now bow after a performance of a song from his repertoire and say "Thank you, thank you".
-  When asked to say "please" will occasionally go through all his polite words in order to save time saying, "please, thank you, good bye".
- Still loves Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.
- Started a Kindermusik class today, and loved it!
- Is often the life of the party. He is always looking for friends to play with. And will often attempt to make friends with any little kid he sees. A common phrase heard is, "Hi boys!".
- Currently maintaining his tall, dark, and handsome quota.
- "Scary" has often become synonymous with "I don't want to".
- When entering the car will ask to go to Grandma/Grandpa's house or the zoo.
- Will often tell us that he is bigger and taller and no longer needs to sleep to continue to grow into a healthy boy. Also, that he is now bigger and taller than Dad.

Kiddo Update

Baby Girl
- Sits up, scoots on her back, rolls this way and that way, and can now assume crawling position and has found herself to be crawling backwards.
- Shakes her head "no" for fun.  Shakes her head "no" as she falls asleep.  Shakes her head "no" when she no longer wants to eat.  I'm not sure if this has implications upon her future teenage demeanor.
- Enjoys banging items together and has surprised me with the meticulous use of her fine motor skills in her fascination with items by stroking and feeling each individual part. Attention to detail this one.
- Has attempted to mimic my "Mama" sounds.  Which sound out as "yaya" due to her cute chubby face pulling her mouth tightly into a smile.
- Oh, and it turns out that she's still pretty chubby.  For some unknown reason I thought she had fallen in the percentiles and was more around the mid-range. But recent measurements reveal that she is still in the whopping 90th-95th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. NBD we make big babies. I can just imagine the family photos fifteen years from now - me standing and everyone else sitting so as to not draw attention to their dwarf of a Mother.

Little Boy
- Is very particular about his crib arrangements. Pillow must be placed at the end of the crib - logical of course. But then it gets a little more hairy. The tub of cars must be placed to his left by his shoulder.  The smaller tub of airplanes must then be placed on the left as well, below the cars by his hips. Don't worry, it only gets better. His monkey, puppy, and baby must then be placed on his pillow by his head to the left (puppy will occasionally be placed under the blankets with him). His Monster or frog blanket must then be placed on him, cover his feet, but not cross the DMZ barrier which is not clearly marked and subject to change but usually down the center of the crib. His milk must be a perfect 88 degrees and warm enough to feel through the bottle to hold onto as he falls asleep.
- Has learned from unknown sources to stand upon stages, pedestals, chairs, tables, any high platform and recite his ABCs. 
- Enjoys puzzles, balls, reading, trucks, planes, trains, singing, jumping, and sword fighting.

The Burden of Waiting

Elder Bednar stated the following in this last General Conference (April 2014):

"Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most."

Elder Bednar's statement frames perfectly the concerns and questions that have consumed my mind over the past six months as John has searched for work.  I've tried to find an answer to how much traction is required of us until we can finally receive the blessings that we seek.  I have then had to come to terms that some trials don't end and perhaps I am viewing our circumstances from the wrong viewpoint.

I find that we have been spiritually encouraged to rely on the Lord more because our circumstances have been a trial for us, and I wonder how it will influence the Lord in the blessings that we seek for our future. I've been left to accept that we must try our best at living righteously and leave the rest to God.  That is, to utilize our agency as best we can until there is nothing left for us to do.  This places us in the circumstance of consistently seeking and contemplating our actions.  And whether our circumstances are a direct result of our own sins, our inaction/apathy toward the gift of our agency, or entirely out of our control.

My earlier thoughts on our trials expressed above demonstrate that I have fallen prey to the attitude of only utilizing our agency until we receive the blessings that we desire.  Leaving us with what I believe would be the ungodly characteristic of complacency. Something that I know I suffer from. I recall the phrase used often in the scriptures of how those that sinned had "forgotten" and then I'm reminded of the baptismal covenant that I make each week to "remember".

If I were to remember the Savior as I should and utilize the strengthening power of the Atonement, Elder Bednar clarifies that whether my burdens are light, heavy, or absent my ability would be to not just survive but that I would be vitalized, or enlivened. Those burdens would no longer matter.

It brings to my mind walking home on the streets of New York on an especially difficult day just to see a stranger with a chipper attitude.  They would have such a lift in their step that they wouldn't even seem to touch the ground as they glided down the street.  I assume that back in Salt Lake no one would give a second glance to a person smiling and glowing back at the world.  But New York offered the perfect heavy, dramatic backdrop of contrast to watch these type of people live their lives well. They were hard to not watch.  How they would interact with those around them, even with those gritty-tongued New Yorkers. You know the kind, the type of grit that you can't hide from and makes you want to throw rocks back, hard.  But they would just glow even brighter in response.  And I would think "Man, how do they do that?".  I really did admire those smiling strangers and tried to interact with NY in the same way.  An especially vulgar author wrote the perfect piece entitled "NY Doesn't Love You".  But when I tried to take a better attitude I really did learn to love NY.

Hopefully I can learn to love life in the same way. I still worry, but there isn't much use for it. The past months have been emotionally trying. And our future is still unresolved without a job offer and the need for income is ever impending and yet . . . I feel happy. And I really feel so very grateful for all that we have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not floating just yet. But I guess this is the nature of the burden of waiting.