Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Ne-Ner Ne-Ner Ne-Ner
So I just looked at my list of past posts and saw that no one had even viewed my blog/page. And it made me so relieved! And then I really wanted to post that it made me happy to know that no one else was reading my posts. And how silly is that?! But guess what - I'm doing it and I have a big smile on my face about it. It's stressful to think other people might be reading my blog, and then again I realize I should just make this thing private or not publish my posts that I don't want people to read. But there's some irrational part of me that believes hundreds of years from now, or maybe next year I'll loose my password and the only way to access these posts will be to go to the URL or maybe when we're all riding in floating cars and wearing tight jumpsuits without zippers some family historian studying her ancestry will only be able to retrieve the published posts of her great-great grandmother. I suppose there must be some way of backing up these posts into something other than a cloud or on my computer. Hopefully I'll do it soon - but probably not, so this will have to do for now.
Another Assortment of Thoughts
I've only started this entry with the thought that I've been impressed to record our lives and my thoughts more thoroughly. As John and I discussed our need to journal more frequently I admitted that I disliked rereading old entries and feeling (so thoroughly) embarrassed - for a multitude of reasons. From imperfect logic to over-emotional reactions to any other possible human failure of personality, logic, or grammar - I could find in one of my journal/blogging entries. I realize some mistakes could be managed with re-reading my entries and fixing logical or grammatical errors, but I really don't have the time and definitely don't care to devote my patience to double-checking my journal entries. Isn't there a quote, anecdotal story, or extra reserve of maturity somewhere that I could use to encourage me into consistent and decent journaling habits?
Irregardless, I do like the idea of having a record and I also have enjoyed reading some older entries - especially of memories and experiences forgotten. Hopefully I will discern the better memories to record.
At the moment there are two things that take up quite a bit of head space. The first is that I'm pregnant - so (my brain's) working capacity is currently at 35% and additional repairs and time are required to bring her into working order to reach warp speed. The rest is divided between family, the future, callings, how to clean when I don't want to clean, and whether or not to buy our current home. So all are good things, but can also be very stressful things.
I suppose writing about our motivations to buy our current home isn't the most modest topic to write on. But it does concern me and I probably won't calm down about it until we've come to a decision. Our main motivation is to save money, in building equity and in our monthly payment. However this home, although it works well now, will not fit our growing family comfortably into the future. I realize that many buy a starter home and then sell and purchase again. And yet, there are two things that weigh on my mind, and I'm sure they are unnecessary. The first is that if we continue to rent and save money over the course of the next few years we may have enough to buy the type of home we could grow old in - without the burden of another mortgage or a place to sell. My second thought has been that we may be in this home the rest of our lives. Which truly would not be a horrible thing - it just isn't ideal. And I feel horrible for thinking that. I feel as if wanting more is saying I'm not grateful for what we have been given. I suppose I should reassess to see if these desires for more overwhelm my feelings of gratitude for the place that we may come to have. Another concern of mine is how close (and loud) the freeway is to our home. Well, in reality I have a whole list of what I don't like about our place and I have concerns that the investment of remodeling will exceed the market value of the home (I wouldn't care about the cost of remodeling if it were to be our permanent house). And some things, like the freeway, just can't be fixed with remodeling. If there are that many things I don't like about it, is it worth buying just to save money for another home?
Aside from all those disagreeable thoughts are the thoughts of another lovely baby coming to join our home and family. I felt slightly inclined to hope for a boy as it would be nice to have another boy closer in age to Oliver and for somewhat practical reasons like using the boy clothing before I don't like it because it's out of fashion (yes, I realize this is silly and superficial). And yet when I saw a baby girl the other day I couldn't help but remember how much I love having a girl too and how much fun it would be to have another. So as for now I guess I don't have any inclinations towards one gender for this baby. And believe it or not, in one month this pregnancy will be half over! Sometimes it's unbelievable how fast time goes. Of course, we've been preoccupied with many things, from being sick for about a month, John's new calling as a second counselor in the YSA branch, and my fixation on how much I hate winter in Illinois and how I truly didn't believe Spring would ever come! And honestly, I still am in disbelief. Whenever I walk outside and feel a slight chill on the air I'm convinced it'll turn into a -30 windchill by morning. It makes me laugh to realize that deep down inside there is a feeling of resentment towards Illinois for being so ugly and uninviting during the Winter - and especially for it lasting much much much too long. I really tried to look for things to appreciate, but had a really hard time about it. I suppose I'll have to try harder next season. And then I think of Gradma Allen's famous complaint about being taken (and left) in that ugly, dry, red dirt. And the more she said it the more I realized the beauty of the Uintah basin. I truly hope I can come to love the Illinois landscape just as I have the Uintah red dirt. I just hope it doesn't require me to live a lifetime here.
Irregardless, I do like the idea of having a record and I also have enjoyed reading some older entries - especially of memories and experiences forgotten. Hopefully I will discern the better memories to record.
At the moment there are two things that take up quite a bit of head space. The first is that I'm pregnant - so (my brain's) working capacity is currently at 35% and additional repairs and time are required to bring her into working order to reach warp speed. The rest is divided between family, the future, callings, how to clean when I don't want to clean, and whether or not to buy our current home. So all are good things, but can also be very stressful things.
I suppose writing about our motivations to buy our current home isn't the most modest topic to write on. But it does concern me and I probably won't calm down about it until we've come to a decision. Our main motivation is to save money, in building equity and in our monthly payment. However this home, although it works well now, will not fit our growing family comfortably into the future. I realize that many buy a starter home and then sell and purchase again. And yet, there are two things that weigh on my mind, and I'm sure they are unnecessary. The first is that if we continue to rent and save money over the course of the next few years we may have enough to buy the type of home we could grow old in - without the burden of another mortgage or a place to sell. My second thought has been that we may be in this home the rest of our lives. Which truly would not be a horrible thing - it just isn't ideal. And I feel horrible for thinking that. I feel as if wanting more is saying I'm not grateful for what we have been given. I suppose I should reassess to see if these desires for more overwhelm my feelings of gratitude for the place that we may come to have. Another concern of mine is how close (and loud) the freeway is to our home. Well, in reality I have a whole list of what I don't like about our place and I have concerns that the investment of remodeling will exceed the market value of the home (I wouldn't care about the cost of remodeling if it were to be our permanent house). And some things, like the freeway, just can't be fixed with remodeling. If there are that many things I don't like about it, is it worth buying just to save money for another home?
Aside from all those disagreeable thoughts are the thoughts of another lovely baby coming to join our home and family. I felt slightly inclined to hope for a boy as it would be nice to have another boy closer in age to Oliver and for somewhat practical reasons like using the boy clothing before I don't like it because it's out of fashion (yes, I realize this is silly and superficial). And yet when I saw a baby girl the other day I couldn't help but remember how much I love having a girl too and how much fun it would be to have another. So as for now I guess I don't have any inclinations towards one gender for this baby. And believe it or not, in one month this pregnancy will be half over! Sometimes it's unbelievable how fast time goes. Of course, we've been preoccupied with many things, from being sick for about a month, John's new calling as a second counselor in the YSA branch, and my fixation on how much I hate winter in Illinois and how I truly didn't believe Spring would ever come! And honestly, I still am in disbelief. Whenever I walk outside and feel a slight chill on the air I'm convinced it'll turn into a -30 windchill by morning. It makes me laugh to realize that deep down inside there is a feeling of resentment towards Illinois for being so ugly and uninviting during the Winter - and especially for it lasting much much much too long. I really tried to look for things to appreciate, but had a really hard time about it. I suppose I'll have to try harder next season. And then I think of Gradma Allen's famous complaint about being taken (and left) in that ugly, dry, red dirt. And the more she said it the more I realized the beauty of the Uintah basin. I truly hope I can come to love the Illinois landscape just as I have the Uintah red dirt. I just hope it doesn't require me to live a lifetime here.
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