Feelings

Oh my, aren't feelings sometimes just too much or just not enough at the same time?  I've come to the realization that I am oblivious to my own feelings for much of the time.  I never knew this was really possible until it was pointed out to me.  It sounds like some sort of riddle, right?  How can one not realize that they feel something.  I suppose that I just ignore feelings without realizing it.

Since I've also tried to be more conscientious about my actions, along with that has come a further understanding of . . . dare I say, myself.  Wow, that sounds really sort of pretentious and obvious.  And it's true nonetheless.  So now I'm feeling these . . . feelings, right?  And I no longer ignore them.  And so my first reaction is to react upon those feelings.  Yeish, doesn't reading this feel tedious?  Anyways, this has been difficult for me.  Much more difficult than just ignoring my feelings and pushing through.  I've been reacting a lot actually.  And it has become difficult to pause, and then patiently choose my actions.  I've just felt my feelings and reacted accordingly.  This is most definitely the opposite of what I was aiming to accomplish by becoming more conscientious.  But I guess that is part of the process, and that I could never fully be conscientious without first understanding my own situation.  But it is frustrating and enlightening to see that reacting immediately upon my feelings is such a restriction of my own freedom.  I am no longer free to make a rational choice when I allow my feelings to overcome me.  And I'm pretty sure that although I may feel one thing in the immediate instance, I am capable of feeling the exact opposite given time and thought.  Or that I may feel the same but realize that the associated action to that feeling isn't the best choice.

So all this fodder I'm writing does seem terribly simple.  But I only bring it up to release some stress and to try and understand a better way of handling myself in stressful situations.  Oliver is getting older and with that he is gaining and desiring further independence.  Especially since he is now capable of vocalizing his needs and wants.  But of course we only understand maybe 75% of what he says.  And he is limited in the area of expressing emotions and frustrations (being only 2).  I see many similarities of myself in his emotional maturation.

Since about age 1 I've notice him using patience with us in our inability to understand his requests.  This patience has now built within him the ability to be tenacious when it comes to things he really wants.  Thankfully he uses this tenacity in limited quantities, mostly in regards to behavior and not objects.  And when I think about it, it is mostly a biproduct of something else that he can't express.  Irregardless, I have reacted to his misbehavior poorly by raising my voice and placing him in time-out rather than asking him questions, sitting patiently with him to understand his reasoning, and taking the time to explain in his terms why he is not allowed to do such-and-such an action.  Much of his bad behavior is repeated and he has been told before to "stop".  Then again, time passes so differently as a child and it is easy to forget.  I'm sure if I understood his actions on a deeper level that my deliberate reactions would fulfill whatever need he is missing, and/or help him finally internalize our house rules.

Anyways, I just needed to write that I've been stressed as of late.  A sweet 2 year old boy and a sociable 6 month girl can sometimes be difficult.  And there it is.

Random Photo Assortment

Break time! Playing is some hard stuff. 

 Stencils I found on sale for $1.50 at Hancock Fabrics.

Oliver can now recognize the Sun, Earth ("blue ball"), and Mars.

 Cecily's poor tortured face after Oliver gave her a hug.  The sweet kid is usually pretty gentle, this time Cecily just didn't want to be touched.

Little Miss-Miss

Cecily at 6 months.

This lovely lady had her six month check-up today coming in with a whopping 97% for her head.  Other percentiles have dropped for weight at 62% (18 lbs.) and height at 77% (28").  She took her four immunization shots like a champ by crying only while they were administered.  She has once again been on a Mommy kick and has been held by five friends, the nurse, and Dr. in the past three days and has proceeded to cry, whimper, and eventually scream to the point of exhausting herself to sleep.  She is developing well and doc says she is developmentally excellent.  She loves to laugh and will sit and play on her own while trying out different little laughs.  She'll now try blowing raspberries and sometimes a fake cough when crying to demonstrate the drama of the situation off.  And Oliver is of course the best bet to get her to truly belly giggle.  Her laughs for Mom and Dad are purely communicative/polite.

O Oliver

As I'm looking for ideas to teach the letter "O" at joy school I was reminded of when Oliver was first learning to speak one of his first "words" was the letter "O".  He would recognize the letter in his surroundings and one day started calling curly fries Os.  He was sitting in his carseat as I handed him a curly fry.  With a contemplative look he tilted his head to the side and said "O?".

 

This is how Oliver looks whenever he eats.  Silence and deep concentration are preferred.

Two Buckaroos

Not much going on around these parts.  We've been keeping to our normal winter routine and have enjoyed the past few days at home.  However, today was a little special in that the temperature reached 50 degrees F!  That's a big deal since it's been around -20 for what feels like the past two months.  Oliver and I took Sparky on a walk around the park.  Oliver played in big puddles and poked the floating ice with a stick.  We came home muddy and refreshed from our afternoon walk.  Cecily had some Daddy time, which doesn't happen very often as John is so busy with school.  She was content the rest of the evening.  Which makes me excited for the day that John will have a 9-5 job and we can all benefit from his presence. 

Here we have a picture of Cecily on Valentine's Day morning and Oliver with his morning graham cracker before church.  Cecily is now eating solid foods.  She loves her baby oatmeal but cries at the taste of brown rice cereal.  Oliver used to love the rice cereal and now loves whole grain rice. Cecily now sits very well on her own but rarely rolls over.  She does well on her tummy and arches and rolls to her side to reach for things and has even gotten up on all fours into the crawling position.  But she just doesn't hardly ever roll.  I'm interested to see how things evolve for her.

Oliver loves to sing.  It's how he says most of his new words.  He's putting together two and three word sentences, like "no bath" "no bed" and "there's the juice".  Today toothpaste was his new word that he decided to say without provocation.  And then he said a few other words which weren't as clear and which I can't remember now.

I have lots to learn about being a Mom and I just hope that the good memories outweigh any bad ones.  Parenting is definitely an exercise in self-control.  And self-examination is unavoidable when your bad habits are on display and little eyes are always watching and modeling their behavior after you.  But I'll take Daniel Tiger's advice and remember:

Good night, good night.
Close your tired eyes. Tomorrow will be new.
Dream a dream of all of us. And remember we love you. 

Muddy Mommy Thoughts

Well, we've definitely entered a new phase.  There's more obstinate behavior from our little boy, but there's also a lot more fun.  As his personality becomes more clear, his sweetness is reaffirmed in my eyes. He treats Cecily with real tender care and will tell me "uh-oh baby" when she cries. Just last evening John was able to help me with our bedtime routine. As we all ended up in the nursery sitting in the most relaxed of positions I held Cecily and Oliver laid his head on my lap. After John had finished reading from the scriptures he notified Oliver that it was time to get his milk from the kitchen in preparation for bedtime. Oliver jumped up in anticipation of hot milk and did a most professional jig and swooped suavely out of the room and onto the kitchen.  John and I looked at one another in surprise, eyes wide open. Now if only I could get him to repeat it.

It was such a simple evening but I couldn't have been happier. I have recently attempted paying conscious attention to my feelings so that I may more fully be conscientious of my actions. I've been able to recognize where I allow unnecessary stress to overcome me and I've also been able to recognize when something is good and to allow myself to enjoy it. And oddly enough, I found how much I truly enjoy being domesticated and being a Mother. I was so happy to find this out as I never thought much of Motherhood as a child or young adult. I knew I would attempt it at one point in life if allowed the opportunity. But I also felt trepidation at the prospect once it became a possibility, only because I didn't and couldn't really know if I would care for it until it actually happened. I've always been of the opinion that many things and circumstances can be made good dependent upon one's attitude, all within reason of course. And I held the belief that motherhood was of eternal importance, and so I took the task upon myself. And I'm so glad that I have done so. As all the mommy blogs and devoted posts on fb to moms will tell you, it isn't easy. There were moments this week when I realized that I was slowly loosing my mind. I told John that I had lost a few marbles and cried and wanted to desperately for someone to just give me an hour alone to myself. But I realized that the more I thought I would loose my mind the less I was capable of handling the situation and the less I accomplished. Mind over matter has been difficult these days, but boy does it make all the difference.

Oliver has started the most adorable thing. He has mimicked John in the past by exclaiming excitement over new things with a down-up-down inflection of his voice while loudly saying "whhooooaaaa". However it has evolved, as of today to where he will stop still, widen his eyes and lock his focus on you and whisper ever so slightly and slowly, "wow".  It really does get me every time. And he doesn't over use it, meaning I know he's actually excited about whatever it is that he's saying "wow" over. I love that the most simple things make him happy.

Oliver's language has truly taken off. Saying several new words each day and now speaking new words without enticement. He of course has much to learn, but we were once again so happy to hear improvement from him.

Cecily is now sitting comfortably and reaching for items while sitting. She's very aware of the people around her and is always looking to be where all the action is. I find it fascinating to watch her and Oliver communicate in the most simple and basic of ways. The interact, play, and show affection for one another and like I said before, I'm truly amazed at how easy it is and how little is required to show love for one another.

Cecily loves to laugh and is so full of smiles. She's recently taken a liking to John (finally!) and will follow him around the room and smile until she can attract his attention. It's fascinating to see how important his attention is to her. I feel that I have so much to learn from both Oliver and Cecily and hope that I can take the time to calm my mind and feelings enough to see what it is that is there.

Well, if this post ended up somewhat convoluted I'll readily attribute it to the muddy feeling in my brain and hope that what I've written will be enough of a reminder of how I've felt and what we've experienced at home the past week. John and I will be going out for dinner tomorrow evening - a first in . . . well, a loooooooooooooong time.  Maybe 9 months ago? Anyway, my point is that I'm pretty excited and nervous! Maybe I'll get a photo of our few hours out on the town in downtown Champaign!

Cecily and Oliver Update

When I think about what I'd like to write on this blog I readily realize that most of it would bore me out of my mind if it weren't about Oliver and Cecily.  However, with that in mind I have to remind myself that I'm writing these updates mostly for myself.  I really do have a horrible memory, and I think it's in part because I don't take time to reflect each day.  I would like to make time to write for the sake of practicing prose, but I'd also like to do a million other things that I unfortunately don't have time for. 

While on my lap the other day Cecily rolled over!  She wanted to see my face and repeatedly rolled over so that she could see me.  That girl really only has eyes for her Mommy right now.  I'm totally flattered, don't get me wrong.  But when you start contemplating putting your baby in the Bjorn just so you can go to the bathroom . . . there may be some other considerations to take. 

Later that day we went out to eat, something we've had to cut down on since John has been in school.  I figure it's for the best in many respects, but I could fill an entire other post on that.  We went to the Golden Dragon, a restaurant that has a little something for everyone.  John get's his orange chicken (which is actually pretty good at this location and not as starchy as most of the other Americanized versions), Oliver get Chinese food which he happens to love, and I got some more authentic dishes that remind me of home. 

Oliver started his meal off pretty respectfully by using his fork and occasionally attempting the use of chopsticks.  And as most good meals go for him, by the end of fifteen minutes of meticulously forking once item at a time into his mouth hunger overcomes his sense of propriety and the novelty of eating again and he begins to literally shovel handfuls of food and rice into his mouth.  That kid really loves rice.

Oliver has also been making leaps and bounds in his language.  We were concerned about his level of language acquisition and had decided that if progress hadn't been made in the next three months that we would have him evaluated for speech therapy.  But as about a month later, and less t.v., he has begun to say a few new words each day.  He now fully counts to three.  He'll sing twinkle twinkle little star with a mixture of sign language and words.  He said owl and another word yesterday that I've already forgotten.  This morning he said call when he asked about his grandparents.  We're so happy to see his progress and he's seems to be pretty excited about it too.