Feelings

Oh my, aren't feelings sometimes just too much or just not enough at the same time?  I've come to the realization that I am oblivious to my own feelings for much of the time.  I never knew this was really possible until it was pointed out to me.  It sounds like some sort of riddle, right?  How can one not realize that they feel something.  I suppose that I just ignore feelings without realizing it.

Since I've also tried to be more conscientious about my actions, along with that has come a further understanding of . . . dare I say, myself.  Wow, that sounds really sort of pretentious and obvious.  And it's true nonetheless.  So now I'm feeling these . . . feelings, right?  And I no longer ignore them.  And so my first reaction is to react upon those feelings.  Yeish, doesn't reading this feel tedious?  Anyways, this has been difficult for me.  Much more difficult than just ignoring my feelings and pushing through.  I've been reacting a lot actually.  And it has become difficult to pause, and then patiently choose my actions.  I've just felt my feelings and reacted accordingly.  This is most definitely the opposite of what I was aiming to accomplish by becoming more conscientious.  But I guess that is part of the process, and that I could never fully be conscientious without first understanding my own situation.  But it is frustrating and enlightening to see that reacting immediately upon my feelings is such a restriction of my own freedom.  I am no longer free to make a rational choice when I allow my feelings to overcome me.  And I'm pretty sure that although I may feel one thing in the immediate instance, I am capable of feeling the exact opposite given time and thought.  Or that I may feel the same but realize that the associated action to that feeling isn't the best choice.

So all this fodder I'm writing does seem terribly simple.  But I only bring it up to release some stress and to try and understand a better way of handling myself in stressful situations.  Oliver is getting older and with that he is gaining and desiring further independence.  Especially since he is now capable of vocalizing his needs and wants.  But of course we only understand maybe 75% of what he says.  And he is limited in the area of expressing emotions and frustrations (being only 2).  I see many similarities of myself in his emotional maturation.

Since about age 1 I've notice him using patience with us in our inability to understand his requests.  This patience has now built within him the ability to be tenacious when it comes to things he really wants.  Thankfully he uses this tenacity in limited quantities, mostly in regards to behavior and not objects.  And when I think about it, it is mostly a biproduct of something else that he can't express.  Irregardless, I have reacted to his misbehavior poorly by raising my voice and placing him in time-out rather than asking him questions, sitting patiently with him to understand his reasoning, and taking the time to explain in his terms why he is not allowed to do such-and-such an action.  Much of his bad behavior is repeated and he has been told before to "stop".  Then again, time passes so differently as a child and it is easy to forget.  I'm sure if I understood his actions on a deeper level that my deliberate reactions would fulfill whatever need he is missing, and/or help him finally internalize our house rules.

Anyways, I just needed to write that I've been stressed as of late.  A sweet 2 year old boy and a sociable 6 month girl can sometimes be difficult.  And there it is.