The Burden of Waiting

Elder Bednar stated the following in this last General Conference (April 2014):

"Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most."

Elder Bednar's statement frames perfectly the concerns and questions that have consumed my mind over the past six months as John has searched for work.  I've tried to find an answer to how much traction is required of us until we can finally receive the blessings that we seek.  I have then had to come to terms that some trials don't end and perhaps I am viewing our circumstances from the wrong viewpoint.

I find that we have been spiritually encouraged to rely on the Lord more because our circumstances have been a trial for us, and I wonder how it will influence the Lord in the blessings that we seek for our future. I've been left to accept that we must try our best at living righteously and leave the rest to God.  That is, to utilize our agency as best we can until there is nothing left for us to do.  This places us in the circumstance of consistently seeking and contemplating our actions.  And whether our circumstances are a direct result of our own sins, our inaction/apathy toward the gift of our agency, or entirely out of our control.

My earlier thoughts on our trials expressed above demonstrate that I have fallen prey to the attitude of only utilizing our agency until we receive the blessings that we desire.  Leaving us with what I believe would be the ungodly characteristic of complacency. Something that I know I suffer from. I recall the phrase used often in the scriptures of how those that sinned had "forgotten" and then I'm reminded of the baptismal covenant that I make each week to "remember".

If I were to remember the Savior as I should and utilize the strengthening power of the Atonement, Elder Bednar clarifies that whether my burdens are light, heavy, or absent my ability would be to not just survive but that I would be vitalized, or enlivened. Those burdens would no longer matter.

It brings to my mind walking home on the streets of New York on an especially difficult day just to see a stranger with a chipper attitude.  They would have such a lift in their step that they wouldn't even seem to touch the ground as they glided down the street.  I assume that back in Salt Lake no one would give a second glance to a person smiling and glowing back at the world.  But New York offered the perfect heavy, dramatic backdrop of contrast to watch these type of people live their lives well. They were hard to not watch.  How they would interact with those around them, even with those gritty-tongued New Yorkers. You know the kind, the type of grit that you can't hide from and makes you want to throw rocks back, hard.  But they would just glow even brighter in response.  And I would think "Man, how do they do that?".  I really did admire those smiling strangers and tried to interact with NY in the same way.  An especially vulgar author wrote the perfect piece entitled "NY Doesn't Love You".  But when I tried to take a better attitude I really did learn to love NY.

Hopefully I can learn to love life in the same way. I still worry, but there isn't much use for it. The past months have been emotionally trying. And our future is still unresolved without a job offer and the need for income is ever impending and yet . . . I feel happy. And I really feel so very grateful for all that we have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not floating just yet. But I guess this is the nature of the burden of waiting.